Rounding the Bases

• Several members of our Secret Awesome Group (we need capes! like superheroes!) recommended this AMAZING series of entries over at Antique Mommy: The Box. For your browsing convenience, here's Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five and the Conclusion.
• And yes, it's true: The Sweet Junipers are having another baby!

On that note, a LOT of bloggers are having babies. And I am happy! Because babies!

But I also feel the same way as Type (little) a, just a little bit. (Sorry for linking to an entry you've flagged for possible deletion, by the way, but it's just too timely.)

I shouldn’t be jealous of people who are growing their families. I shouldn’t be. But I am. And I feel guilty about that. (And if any of you reading this are pregnant or adopting or just home, this is not about you, and I am actually very excited for you. I just wish I could join you. )I feel like I’m shortchanging my daughter in some way. She should be enough for me. And I think of the people I know who are struggling with infertility or long adoption paperchases. And feel guilty all over again that it came so easily for me.

I'm still not pregnant either. I know tons of people, online and off, who are pregnant, and almost all of them are due at the same time.

And I'm sometimes shocked at the depth of my bitterness about that. (Although like Typelittea said, I'm not bitter about any blogger in particular or anything...I LOVE reading about pregnancies and birth and am happy for everybody, but just wish I was on the lucky list.)

How many people are still aching for ONE? How awesome is my ONE? And frankly, he needs all the love and attention I can give him right now, to get him through this blip in his development. Money is tight, we just bought a house, we should just stick with the status quo for now, etc. I think Jason would echo each and every one of Dutch's fears about the prospect of a second.

TMI Alert:

I got a positive result on an OPK this month, my first one in oh, EVER. I couldn't believe it, frankly, since this month has been the complete OPPOSITE of just-relax-ville. And so we dutifully Went For It and waited patiently, interpreting every little prick of heartburn and cranky mood as a reason to hope, and by the time I missed my expected period, we were both staring in front of our still-empty third bedroom with misty eyes, imagining the fun of a second crib and OMG, what if it's a girl? How fun would that be? Or another boy! How awesome would that be?

But the positive pregnancy test never came. And then finally, on cycle day FORTY THREE, my period arrived, proving that we'd probably been punked by the ovulation test and are no closer to another baby in any way, shape or form.

I'm ok with that. I have my one, who is my heart.

I'm also so freaking sad.

But thank you, Typelittlea, for letting me know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Comments

[Missie]

I know how you feel about being deliriously happy for others but wanting to be included in that crowd, too. Entirely normal.

Also normal is the wanting the second one while feeling that you should JUST BE HAPPY DOGGONNIT! with your first one. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Again even more normal is after you have the second one? Who turns out to be a girl? Who makes Star Jones look shy and retiring? Who saves the drama for her mama? Who is in no way like your precious little boy who was easy in so many freakin ways? Is to question why you thought procreating was such a hot idea the second time around.

Not that I have any personal experience in that or anything. I'm talking about my..friend. Yeah. My friend.

[alli]

I'm glad I am not the only one who harbors jealous thoughts about those who are adding to their families in one way or another. I am nervous for another year of Mom's group where I am the only one with one child over the age of two. I always feel like I can't complain because I have just the one, while they are all dealing with sibling issues and time juggling with their two or more.

Maybe next month will be the magic month.

[Mairlyn]

I went through secondary infertility for years (YEARS) and I know that feeling so well. You're happy for others but jealous of their bounty. You love your child but want another so bad. I'm lucky, I finally got my second and I'm trying so desperately to just soak up each and every precious moment with him.

Best of luck to you Amy, it's a hard road.

[Jennifer]

I went through it for three years. It was horrible. I'm so sorry. You can't even expect a lot of support because you DO have the one baby.

[RAS]

Oh, I know this feeling. I've lost two pregnancies this year, and am waiting to see if I can conceive again. Last week, I found myself out to dinner with a table full of pregnant woman, one of whom is pregnant but didn't know it yet. The others teased her into POAS that night, and she EMAILED ME A PHOTO OF THE TEST so I could help her decide if there were two lines. I'm so happy that she's pregnant, but oh, how it hurt to have to be so intimately involved in her happiness. I wish I could explain without having her feel like I'm not happy for her.

Anyway, I hope that things will work out for you, sooner rather than later.

[Amanda]

I totally understand. My 'baby' is starting K next week. We've tried over 2 years for another but no luck. In that time frame I've seen many friends & family have babies, or announce they are expecting. I'm happy for them, yet I cry on the way home. Baby showers, same thing. I have one who is my world, yet I know I'm not done yet. There's a little person I'm waiting on that's not shown up yet. Whoever it is must be fantastic, because it's been a long time coming.

[my buddy mimi]

While visitng Antique Mommy, check out today's post too. Hillarious!

[Linda]

Amazing is an understatement. If anyone has not read Antique Mommy's series "The Box", you must do so. I can't find the words to describe how it's moved me.

[Leah]

Word. Just this morning I was counting off (on two hands) the babies who will be born next February. Sigh.

[Liz]

Oh my God I know how you feel. I conceived my little man via ivf on the first try and I really am 88% sure that I only want him. Money would be impossible with two, and our house is so little, and I sucked balls at being pregnant. But I read about families that thrive on the chaos of two or three and I wonder if I'm ripping him off. But then I pour a glass of wine, go outside and spray him with the hose and all feels right again. You know, 88% of the time.

[Antique Mommy]

Thanks for the link Amy! You are swell. The Box is a bit of a tear jerker. Don't forget to tell them I write funny stuff too!

[Type (little) a]

Thanks for the link. Mostly because It'll force me not to delete that post.

Sometimes I feel like I'm writing about a character based on myself. This one is the REAL me. And it's staying.

[Shrinkingmom]

I so understand . . . we tried for four years to get pregnant. I cried several rivers over my stupid lack of ovulation and all those missing sperm.

Then we adopted twins (and I will not tell you the rest because you'll want to slap me, but it involves two successful pregnancies in 13 years of not using birth control--okay, go ahead, slap me.)

[wood from sweetjuniper]

I think one of the reasons I waited longer than I ever thought I would to announce this pregnancy was because every time I considered writing about it, I couldn't get over the fact that our good news would inevitably (and completely understandably) bum some women out. It's stinks to hear that other people are pregnant when you want to be too, but either aren't ready to try, or are trying, or whatever other reason there might be.

Anyway, I guess I just want to say that I get it. And I hope that everyone who wants to be pregnant is pregnant very, very soon. My heart is with you.

[VirginiaGal]

So I'm not the only one out there feeling the conflicting emotions of happy and envy and maybe a little bit of hate for pregnant women (by whatever means it took them) because they are already where I want to be myself?

Oh good. Thank you for making me feel better. (Even if you do already have the most precious little boy ever which is it's own cause for the thrill/envy/hate triad.)

[Chrissy]

I don't know why I'm posting a comment, or better yet, why I'm reading mommy blogs anyway...I'm single, for chrissake. But, in a weird way, I can sympathize and be bitter with you...I go places and see women and their adorable, precious, tiny toed bundles of joy and I am sad, jealous and yes, even bitter, because I am afraid that I will never have that. That I won't have a Jason, a Noah, or a whomever to share any of that with. I suppose my time will come, but until then, one is better than none.

[Monica]

Even when I was pregnant with my second, I still felt envious. It never goes away. Sounds silly, I know. But, I think I will always feel sad about how hard it was and how scared I always felt.

[Mrs. Flinger]

Ah, Amy. Dude. I know you're ok. You know you're ok. Everyone is ok. But really, I'm also glad it's ok to say "I'm not ALWAYS ok." Because that elusive second baby is there. always. lurking. in your uterus. I know those OPK tests can really eff with you. If I hadn't used that, I'd never even have known about the miscarriage. Because we used it, I was testing THE DAY my period was due and ! It was positive ! and ! Then two weeks later I miscarried and the doc told me, "If you didn't KNOW, you wouldn't be SAD right now."

Like that helps.

Still hoping awesome new baby things for you in the shorter than longer future. Muwha!

[Cat]

Just because you have one doesn't diminish the desire for two. Nor does it diminish the jelousy that you have for others who have what you want. And when it comes to conception...you can do everything right and it still craps out on you. I hate it. But I'm not bitter or anything (add sarcasm if you want...clomid makes me hateful sometimes.)

[cagey]

Um. Awkward here. Because I just had the 2nd. Sorta not planned.

However, I wanted to chime in and say that the desire to have a 2nd never, ever negates the love for the 1st. EVER. And I think that should be generally known amongst everyone who is already a mother.

Simply put, exactly how many completes your family is different for everyone.