Happy through the tears

Whoa. Is it Tuesday already? How in the world is it Tuesday?

I've been in a bit of blog-reading funk for about a week now -- alternatively unable to pull myself away from the endless drama going on at Jen's blog and waiting for news about Annika on Moreena's blog -- and of course, preoccupied with my own sick kid.

A cold and an ear infection are absolutely nothing compared to what others in the blogging world have dealt with, and I feel stupid for even bringing it up, but you know. Toddlers have no sense of the big picture of universal suffering. A sick kid is a sick kid and it's hard to type and surf when he spends most of the day sprawled on my lap, grabbing my hands off the keyboard and wrapping them around his feverish little back.

But I am blessed. I know this.

Haley-O over at the Cheaty Monkey knows she is blessed too, and her post about prenatal depression (after a commenter said "I am tired of reading about how sick you are from being pregnant") just about broke my heart. Someone did that to me too, when I suffered from (horrible, crippling, omgbad) anxiety late in my pregnancy and tentatively wrote a couple posts about it. They said I should know better. I did Clomid and struggled and my pregnancy was a wonderful flukey miracle, so by gum, I should shut up and pretend to enjoy every second of every day.

Pregnancy is hard. It's baffling and strange and just physically and emotionally hard. It's probably supposed to be hard, since all that discomfort forces us to focus on preparations and look forward to the actual baby part. There is nothing wrong or selfish or bratty about admitting that pregnancy -- no matter how wanted or  fought for -- can just really suck for some of us. 

Obviously, when I was getting negative test results months after month (like, uh. now.), there was nothing I craved more than a big pregnant belly and the whole shebang. But in the end, I signed up for a baby. The whole gestation thing, with the ups and downs and swollen ankles, sometimes seemed like a bootcamp obstacle course I had to complete before someone would award me that delicious baby.

Haley-O has a similar take on the pregnancy (and pregnancy-blogging) as a process, not the prize:

I also don’t like to complain about my pregnancy symptoms because this SEEMS to suggest that I’m ungrateful for what I know is such a blessing, such a gift. I am CONSTANTLY reflecting on how blessed I am to be pregnant, constantly THANKING THE UNIVERSE for granting me this miraculous gift. (This is starting to feel a little too personal even for me, but….) Every night I devote time to being thankful for this pregnancy.

Pregnancy is very painful for me. But, it’s also an opportunity. An opportunity to release and to cleanse. This releasing and cleansing involves a disturbing and debilitating manifestation of major anxieties. This is what you’re reading on my blog. A process. An honest (but light-hearted) cleansing, releasing and preparation for another beautiful miracle.

Comments

[jodi]

I had a really tough pregnancy. And I hated being pregnant. I was on and off bedrest and hospitalized and just sick, a lot.

Someone told me they never heard of anyone hating being pregnant and the baby could hear me when I said that. Someone else said if I changed my attitude I would like being pregnant.

You know what, shut up. You feel how you feel and there is nothing you can do about it and you should not feel guilty.

[Erika, Plain Jane Mom]

Amy, I remember you said several months ago that you went off BC. I'm sorry you're still getting negatives. The whole trying to get PG thing really sucks. (Can I swear on Club Mom?) I hope you get another flukey miracle soon.

And as for not deserving to complain? That's ridiculous, but I guess competimommying starts pre-conception and there's not a lot to be done about those people. Grrr...

[ali]

haley-o is my girl. and it was really hard to see someone come on to HER blog, HER space and tell her what she can and can't write about.

just because she feels like crap, doesn't mean she isn't grateful.

[busymomma66]

I think, unless you walk in a person's shoes (or in this case carry the baby and deal with all those person's particular hormones), you should stay open minded and supportive.

Also, I believe pregnancy is difficult, because otherwise why would you try to push out something the size of a small watermelon out of (sorry to be graphic) a hole the size of an orange? It gives a bit of incentive.

[blogversary]

Amen, I too I am preggie now and having horrible queasiness all day. I write about it because it is what is going on in my life. I am not ungrateful for the blessing...but seriously who claps their hands and says hooray when their face is green and ready to head to the bathroom at any second.

[Naeva - Mom of 2]

OMG, how could that person say that to Haley-O?

Pregnancy is not always easy. People need to know that.

[baby names expert]

Its so important to focus on the positive aspects of pregnancy to get through the discomforts - and of course, to keep the amazing result in mind.

[Biagia]

Gosh! So happy to hear people talk about how not all of pregnancy was just "glowing". I had really bad sciatica in my 2nd trimester and thought I was going to die. I was so worried that it would never go away - not even after birth - but I didn't want to complain. Seem ungrateful! Thank you for talking about this.

[cagey]

Thank you for this. I am so incredibly excited about my new baby in July, I can hardly stand it. However, I can hardly stand this pregnancy anymore, either. And the 2nd time around while chasing an 18 month old? DOES NOT HELP.

I am trying very hard to keep my head out of the Rabbithole of Funk, but it is hard. So very hard.

[mrspooley]

whew! I thought I was the only one not enjoying 'the most wonderful time of your life!'
I've had awful morning sickness and just... ick. Bring on the Miracle cause I'm so over the obstacle course part.

[haley-o]

Amalah, thank you so much for this. I talk about prenatal depression on my blog because I want to bring awareness to it and help women come forward and get help with it -- and you've now helped me do that!

That post is probably one of the most personal I've ever written, and it was very healing. When I first got the comment, I was, of course, anxious. But, using it as a platform for talking about prepartum depression fixed all that and turned the experience into a major positive.

The commenter has also been in touch with me to apologize -- it was a matter of good person, bad day.

Thanks again for reflecting on this very personal post of mine, and for helping me bring awareness to prepartum depression by sending your zillions of readers my way. :)

As I wrote, pregnancy is TOTALLY hard for me. But, it's supposed to be. The baby takes EVERYTHING out of me (physically, emotionally) to be it's amazing self. And, it's my "initiation" into motherhood....

Trying to conceive is part of that initiation, I think. It's one of the hardest things emotionally (and physically). I hope you get your positive soon!

[Anna]

Thank you for posting this. While I am beyond grateful that I get pregnant easily (so far - I'm on pregnancy #2 right now), especially after a miscarriage the first time around, I just feel AWFUL while pregnant. Hormonal rollercoaster, extreme all day "morning" sickness for the first six months, acid reflux, swelling - you get the picture.

I feel terrible complaining, as I don't have any health issues that actually endanger my pregnancies, but I really think if men got to experience anything like this maternity leave would start a couple weeks after conception.

Pregnancy is hard for many women, but we do it for the payoff - the baby. That shouldn't mean we can't communicate how crappy we feel along the way.

[Mrs. Flinger]

thankyouthankyouthankyou. I alternate between "I want to enjoy this! This is the last time I'll have a baby growing in my belly!" to "GET HIM THE HELL OUT NOW." I have the late-prego anxiety gig and haven't told a soul except Mr. Flinger, but it's freaking me the hell out. I'm just not diggin' being.. um.. crazy now. I'll take a chubby lil' man in my arms now, thankyouverymuch.

And it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

[Dana]

One of my biggest pet peeves is the potshots people take when a woman vents about pregnancy. I, too, had a rough time with my pregnancies. I was sick 24-7, in and out of the hospital. It was HARD. I knew it would be but DUDE.

A woman has a right to vent about pregnancy, etc. and shouldn't have to tag her every sentence with "I know I am blessed/I know I should be so grateful/I am so grateful" for fear of "offending" someone who interprets it as "ungrateful."
People HAVE GOT to stop projecting their baggage onto others.