Step By Step

(God, I'm so sorry for that title. Seriously.)

Mary left the following comment the other day:

I am a step mom to be of a 4 year old little girl who I adore as my own - the feelings are mutual, but her mother is not the nicest woman in the world.

Any blogs or advice that have to do with step parenting?  Dealing with the ex?

Huzzah! A challenge!

And...hmm. Yeah, it's kind of a tough one. I know a couple different bloggers with stepchildren, but they don't actually write much about those children, usually for personal-privacy-related reasons, similar to the ones facing parents of teenagers. And blogging about your spouse's ex seems on par with writing about your job. Which is to say: baaaad idea, man.

There are lot of stepkids and stepparents in my own family (my parents EACH had three children from previous marriages when they met), and it wasn't always a very happy picture. However! I was able to dig up a couple blogs by stepparents that deal with the blended family issues in a loving, respectful and humorous way. These be good people, right here:

First up: Wicked Stepmom. Take a gander at her profile:  I am a Stepdaughter: I have a Stepmom. I had a Stepdad. I am a Sister and Stepsister: I have one Brother and two Stepbrothers. I am a Second Wife: I have a Husband who has an Ex. I am a custodial Stepmom: I have one Stepdaughter.I am a Mom: I have two BioKids. Welcome to my once upon a time...

Heather at Ramblings and the likes is currently adopting her 10-year-old stepson Austin. Check out her adoption timeline in her sidebar -- she just got great news this week about their court date and is almost finished with the exhausting, crazy, looooong process.

StepBlog, as the name implies, is written by a newish step-mom to three kids -- ages 13, 10 and 8. Not only does she claim to get along well with the kids' mom, she even serves as a facilitator between her husband and his ex. Um, wow?

The Bean Blog: Bean is mom to five kids, including one teenage stepson. On her About Page, she has this to say about their relationship: Justis was thirteen months old when I met him. He is my stepson, but I don’t really like the term “step.” I treat him like all the rest of the kids and consider him one of my own. We have primary custody of Justis, but he keeps in touch with his mom pretty regularly.

Readers? Got any to add to the list?

Comments

[Chase]

Don't forget about Lindsay over at Suburban Turmoil! She has 2 step daughters and talks quite a bit about being the 2nd wife.

http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/

[Megan]

Nothing to add, but mostly because I have the stupid theme song to "Step by Step" in my head on constant loop right now.

[Stephanie]

Don't be sorry.

NKOTB is AWESOME.

I know it was cool to think that they weren't cool in, like, middle school, but hey, we're all adults now and can just finally ADMIT that we like them.

It's good for the soul.

[Momish]

You are right, Amy. I have two wonderful stepdaughters, however, I am shy when it comes to writing about them. Even though they are just as much a part of our family, I do not feel I have the right to "expose" them since I am not their mother and shouldn't make that call. I mention them, they are a part of our family and events in our lives. But I steer clear of writing posts about them or my role as their stepmom. As for the ex, won't even go there, even as nice and normal as she is!

[Carrie]

Well, I have no "Step" advice, but am an adoptive mother who is so, almost freakishly, in love with her baby that I really forget sometimes that I did not actually give birth to her. I know that a brave, wonderful woman in Guatemala actually gave birth to her, but I swear she somehow had my egg inside her or something as Bella is so my child. Sorry, I ramble. Anyways, I sympathize with the situation. I think it's wonderful when people love children as "their own" (hate that term) children regardless of actual birth parentage. I hope she finds some great advice and it all works out. Thanks for all the great links and new reads!

[allison]

Okay....the wicked step mom...who is 1st...came straight from hell!! I looked at your profile...it's very obvious that she is JEALOUS because you are beautiful!! I am an almost divorced mother of 2 girls, 1 7, the other 13...My best advice I could give you is...treat that child like she was yours...it's not about making the mother happy...it's all about making that child grow up, without fighting, and in a happy family enviroment. I can only tell you that I can talk to my daughters step-mother better than I can talk to her father. (Wait until she starts her period!!) My best advice...is you must know that she will always be her mother, and you can not take her place, do not try to...just be the best you can be. As far as the mother, tell her, you know you are not her mother, but, you want to be the best step mother you can be...and basically "kill her with kindness"... In the long run...Things will turn out great. But under no circumstances do you ever try to ever get the child envolved. And if the mother is stirring up problem...ignore them, she will eventually stop. Treat her like a student. Good luck...and that wicked step mom...seems like a b@&%$!!!
Allison

[Heather]

Hey! Thanks for bringing attention to my little corner of the web!

The adoption process IS long and crazy, but well worth it.

And your right, it IS hard to write about step-parenting because of worries of slander and libel. Somehow when you write about a psychotic bio-mom they just...don't...like...it! Another suggestion for finding support is to search for a yahoogroup, a lot of supportive step-mom groups there!

And again, THANK YOU!!

[mdvelazquez]

http://www.randomandodd.com/
Kristine and Shaun over at Random and Odd are a blended family. Shaun drops in occasionally, so the blog is more Kristine's.

[mdvelazquez]

Sorry for the multiple comments, but Shaun and Kristine also have step children.

[Cvani]

Dear Mary, That subject about stepmothers is a little hard topic. I personally had a stepmother since I was about 7yrs old , I'm the oldest of 3{sister 6, brother 1 at the time.}It was very hard to be introduced to a stepmother at this age because my dad wanted to try to make us call her "mom". But, I decided to talk to my stepmom in the beginning of meeting her and asked her if we can call her AuntieMeri, and she said sure. I was glad because I was not about to be forced to calling mom to someone that was not.She was ok at times, but she had a bad habbit of just saying negative things about us, as soon as my dad came from work, etc...but as you grow older, you learn to mature and respect.I appreciate some things my stepmom did for us no matter of some of the negative stuff that we went thru, I guess that's part of life.

[Cvani]

Dear Mary, all I can say is just do your best, and never try to take the position of being the mom or saying anything negative about the child's mom, especially in front of the child. Now adays children are very smart and they catch on to things real fast. Children perceive when someone's love is real and they will feel it with the environment you provide to them. She is just 4yrs old and is not fair to stress a child about this issue, but sometimes a battle between divorced parents, it can unfortunately happen. Try to think positive, so things turn out positive. I know you will make the right decision. Have a great day.

[The Princess]

Mary over at Mountain (Step)Mama is becoming a Step Mom in 3 days when she gets married. She is chronicling her journey here:

http://andmarymakesfour.blogspot.com

[Mary]

First of all, thank you Amy for addressing the topic! You have all been so kind in your responses... Thank you all for your advice and all the new, fun blogs to read and take advice and experience from!

Mary

[JustLinda]

I brought my two first born daughters into a 2nd marriage, thus turning them into "step daughters" and turning him into "step father". There were some days I thought it would NEVER work. It was truly one of the hardest things I've ever done.

But? We survived! Those two girls are 21 and 23 and we all get along just fine now that we're not under one roof. haha Having teens is hard enough, but toss in some blended family stuff and Ugh!!!

My blog isn't about step-families but I just wanted to tell your reader 'hang in there'!! It's hard but so worth it...

[Robin]

Mary-

If you do not have any biological children, there is a Stepmom Support Group called Childless Stepmoms.
http://www.childlessstepmoms.org/

Robin

[Kristy]

"...like Toy Soldiers"
That is the "Step by Step" song that popped into MY head. Love the Martika.

I am a stepmom to an 11 year old, and I will definitely be checking out the childlessstepmoms.org website. 11 year olds are, like, hard! Moody. Talk out both sides of their mouths. But he likes to cook with me, which rocks.

I was always searching for an excuse to read this blog...now I have one. duh! Stepmom!

[Contrary]

I'm a stepmom. My very intelligent 15 year old stepson reads my blog. I love this kid. Therefore, you could not pay me enough money to talk bad about his Mama on my blog. But whoo, it's hard sometimes.

[Kelly]

I can't believe you missed Kristine & Shaun over at www.randomandodd.com

They are amazing people and amazing parents and their family is absolutely beautiful!

[melissa]

hi well i'm a single mom of a year old little girl three months ago i filed for child support and it still has not gone through they are ordering the dad to pay over 300 dollers a month but he thinks that is to much so now it is going to be months before i get any help i'm so frustrated i can't even see straight how do i cope with this??and it is so sad that he doesn't want anything to do with his own daughter

[Pamela Thompson]

Facing a very difficult situtation with my new husband of 3 months and my 17 yr old daughter. He really doesn't like her and is demanding that she not spend the night or be at our house for more than a few hours. I love them both but never dreamed he would be this stubborn about it. My daughter lives with her dad so she can go to the school in that area and I miss her alot. So when she wants to come over, I don't want her feeling she is not welcome. What can I do?

[Simmogirl]

Hi all :)

I have been reading different posts from different sites and I'm even more confused than when I started. I don't really know how to say this but would love a response, or a discussion.

The way I look at is even though I didn't give birth to my stepchildren I still have children, the say way somebody adopts children, because I chose to have my partner in my life, because I chose to accept these children in my life, under my care. So... how are we stepmums but not mums??? how are we stepmums and parents but not mums?? What in Gods name are we?

Totally and utterly confused, beginning to wonder if it really matters whats in a name if at the end of the day the kids love you and you love them, which in our family we do. Just feel that we are a family and that there are four parents in my family. Two Biological ones and two steps.

Thanks for reading all this, hope its kind of understandable.

Simmogirl

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