My dear friend Miss W has had quite a year. Or, okay, several years. And maybe not all of them good.
Full disclosure: Miss W and I went to college together. Or, okay, SHE went to college, I spent one semester there before flitting off in some other flaky random direction (I transferred five times and got my degree in just seven years. I am AWESOME.). But still. It was GREAT one semester we had together, and I was rightly pleased when she tracked me down years later.
We were both going through infertility hell at the time. She suffered through three heartbreaking miscarriages. Then I got pregnant and she tearfully offered me her pregnancy books, as she and her husband tentatively decided to pursue gestational surrogacy.
But then they decided to try pregnancy one last time. And now Miss W has a son. A son who was born 10.5 weeks early after a hair-raising, roller-coaster pregnancy (I still have her frantic text messages from Labor & Delivery -- messages that I read while clutching my own newborn son and praying for hers to JUST. STAY. PUT. for a few days more), but a son who is perfectly healthy and perfectly perfect in every way.
That's where a lot of people assume the story ends for infertile women. You got your baby. Be happy. Be grateful. Be satisfied. But these happy endings are not always...endings. Just like other families, we start wondering about baby number two. We start wondering if we'll beat the odds again.
Miss W is at that point. She and her husband agreed that -- after the multiple miscarriages and likelihood of another premature birth -- that they were "done" with her body. But that's where the agreement ends.
He is done. His family is complete. He wants no more children regardless of how they come into our lives.
But I am not done. My family is not complete. I honestly want one more. I don't know if I want to use a surrogate. In all honesty, when I consider the future, I see a little girl with us. A Chinese girl, perhaps. Or South American of some nationality.
It's a tough one. And not really a problem unique to infertile women. Of course, when you take out the possibility of another baby just "happening," the stakes might seem higher, but the basic question is pretty universal -- what to do when you and your partner disagree about something this big?
My husband (who always forgets to read this blog, therefore I can say whatever I want about him, haaaa) would be 100% okay with Noah being an only child. He's floated the idea of another baby out there from time to time, but mostly he's in the "no more, no way" camp. I'm...not sure what I want. There's a little nagging voice in my head that says it's not totally okay with just one baby. There's a bigger voice that tells me to get ready to disagree mightily about it.
Did anyone reading ever come to this particular impasse? What happened? Whose definition of "complete" did you end up using?