My dear friend Miss W has had quite a year. Or, okay, several years. And maybe not all of them good.
Full disclosure: Miss W and I went to college together. Or, okay, SHE went to college, I spent one semester there before flitting off in some other flaky random direction (I transferred five times and got my degree in just seven years. I am AWESOME.). But still. It was GREAT one semester we had together, and I was rightly pleased when she tracked me down years later.
We were both going through infertility hell at the time. She suffered through three heartbreaking miscarriages. Then I got pregnant and she tearfully offered me her pregnancy books, as she and her husband tentatively decided to pursue gestational surrogacy.
But then they decided to try pregnancy one last time. And now Miss W has a son. A son who was born 10.5 weeks early after a hair-raising, roller-coaster pregnancy (I still have her frantic text messages from Labor & Delivery -- messages that I read while clutching my own newborn son and praying for hers to JUST. STAY. PUT. for a few days more), but a son who is perfectly healthy and perfectly perfect in every way.
That's where a lot of people assume the story ends for infertile women. You got your baby. Be happy. Be grateful. Be satisfied. But these happy endings are not always...endings. Just like other families, we start wondering about baby number two. We start wondering if we'll beat the odds again.
Miss W is at that point. She and her husband agreed that -- after the multiple miscarriages and likelihood of another premature birth -- that they were "done" with her body. But that's where the agreement ends.
He is done. His family is complete. He wants no more children regardless of how they come into our lives.
But I am not done. My family is not complete. I honestly want one more. I don't know if I want to use a surrogate. In all honesty, when I consider the future, I see a little girl with us. A Chinese girl, perhaps. Or South American of some nationality.
It's a tough one. And not really a problem unique to infertile women. Of course, when you take out the possibility of another baby just "happening," the stakes might seem higher, but the basic question is pretty universal -- what to do when you and your partner disagree about something this big?
My husband (who always forgets to read this blog, therefore I can say whatever I want about him, haaaa) would be 100% okay with Noah being an only child. He's floated the idea of another baby out there from time to time, but mostly he's in the "no more, no way" camp. I'm...not sure what I want. There's a little nagging voice in my head that says it's not totally okay with just one baby. There's a bigger voice that tells me to get ready to disagree mightily about it.
Did anyone reading ever come to this particular impasse? What happened? Whose definition of "complete" did you end up using?
It's a toughie. We were lucky in that we both agreed that our families weren't complete. In fact, dh might be interested in more babies than I am! Personally, I think the side of "another baby" wins out over "no more", but I could be biased on that. :) I think it requires a lot of discussion and understanding. That can take time though, and often for infertile women or women wanting to adopt, time isn't something they really HAVE.
And this doesn't even get into the whole guilt thing...how can we want another baby so badly when there are so many that just want ONE. But that's a whole 'nother topic. :)
Posted by: callistawolf | June 05, 2006 at 03:18 PM
We disagreed about both kids. I wanted one, he wanted none. Then I wanted two, and he wanted just the one.
Luckily, he's a very slutty drunk. ;-)
Posted by: foodmomiac | June 05, 2006 at 03:32 PM
My husband was completely resigned to having no more kids. He already had two with his firt marriage, and was totally fine with our beautiful little girl. Without resorting to begging, I often brought up having another baby. I went through periods of total sadness with the resignation that this was "it." I stopped nagging about it. But I never stopped hoping. Then, one day, he said, let's give it one try. I am extremely fortunate that the try worked. (And I carefully tracked and calculated my ovulation day.) And now I am 4 weeks away from the due date. And now we both agree that this is IT.
Posted by: lex | June 05, 2006 at 03:34 PM
Since my husband and I married I've wanted as many kids as my uterus would crank out. I wish there was a part of me who just wanted one, so that I would know that part of me would be happy if we never succeed in building our football team.
Posted by: Zoot | June 05, 2006 at 03:56 PM
I'm a week away from or number two baby so, of course, I feel like I NEVER want another. But my husband wants one more and if I could guarantee that the next one would be a girl then I would be more cooperative. I love me some boys but it only makes sense to me if we get a girl next. For me that makes adoption sound great. And I'm all over the adopting foster kids campaign but that will need a harder sell than I am capable of at the moment. I'm too busy lying around moaning like a very good beached whale. And with an impending birth it's possible that we both feel done and complete.
Posted by: Meredith | June 05, 2006 at 04:19 PM
We both decided that we wanted baby No. 2 -- in a few years, once we had Baby No. 1 potty trained and sufficiently hooked on Dora videos. Ooops. I got pregnant when she was just 9 months old. Now, we have two 18 months apart. Baby No. 3 is WAAAAAAY off in the future somewhere. My point -- you never know God's plan.
Posted by: Rock Chalk | June 05, 2006 at 04:22 PM
I got pregnant with my daughter(who is 8 years old now) after 2 months of trying. We were going to "plan" (ha ha) the next one so they would be about 3 1/2 years apart. Well, 3 1/2 years went by with no luck. I had to constantly recheck myself and my husband's wishes of another baby. My husband was completely happy with just one!!!! I just didn't feel complete and insisted that we try in-vitro one time. The month before we were going to have to take a loan out for in-vitro procedure, I came up pregnant with TWIN boys (due to just an IUI).
It's totally God's plan no matter how you look at it! God planned it out so that I would have a built in 8 year old babysitter! She's awesome and so are my boys!
I say FOLLOW YOUR HEART!
Posted by: Teresa | June 05, 2006 at 04:34 PM
I face this dilemma too. My husband is not a very good baby dad. He'll be the first to admit this--he doesn't enjoy the baby stage AT ALL. Our marriage took a big hit with #2. I don't feel done and I'd love to adopt a third (don't think I can face another pregnancy). But unlike callistawolf, I think the "no baby" side has to win in this argument. I wouldn't want to bring another child into the family unless he/she was 100% wanted by both parents. Yeah, I know he (my husband) might well change his mind once baby arrived, but the time leading up to that might well cause a permanently damaging rift.
Posted by: mayberry | June 05, 2006 at 04:39 PM
we had one...for a long time. He was very loud, very busy, very demanding...we thought we could only do one. After about six years I really wanted another so now we have two. A big brother and a little sister. I can't imagine not having either of them. DH was very worried about being able to love two so much as we loved the one. But the thing with love is you always have more.
Posted by: BeLinda | June 05, 2006 at 04:41 PM
My husband is 18 years older than me and has two children from his previous marriage. It took me three years to convince him to have just one child with me. He's over the moon about her, but doesn't want any more. I can understand that. He's got three now and doesn't want to spend his retirement years financially strapped to yet more children. But me? I don't think I'm done. I can't imagine my daughter not having a sibling closer to her age (her half-siblings are 15 and 17 years older). My husband kids that I can always have more...with my next husband. Not funny.
Posted by: Colleen | June 05, 2006 at 05:01 PM
We have two sons, and it took some nagging to convince my husband (an only child) to go for number two. Now I'm thinking tentatively about a third, and I feel like it would be nearly impossible to get him on board with that. I just posted about this last week, wondering if I want a third child or if I only want a daughter.
Posted by: Mrs. Davis | June 05, 2006 at 05:32 PM
wow - this is quite a topic! we had two (boy and girl) which both of us agreed was wonderful. then i got pregnant with #3 before we even had time to discuss. i cried for three straight months, stopped nursing the beautiful child that was about to forever be labeled "middle," and stocked up on another case of prenatal vitamins. honey (my husband) immediately went out, gleefully (i will add) and bought a mini-van. he was thrilled. it was tough... three kids under 5. but i must confess i would not change a thing. flower (baby #3) is one of the great loves of my life and now that she and princess are older, they're best friends. 3 does push you into the mini-van and out of the "vacation for four" category but in my case, it's been well worth it.
Posted by: Rebecca | June 05, 2006 at 06:16 PM
Before my husband and I were married, we agreed that we didn't want to have any more children. I say 'more' because I had two and he had two and 4 seemed like enough. Then, on our wedding night, despite precautions, we conceived our boy.
He's 3 now and the absolute light of our lives. Life would be so boring if he wasn't here.
NOW, our family is complete. And he has four much older siblings who think he is the best thing since sliced cheese.
My advice to anyone wishing to conceive would be to proclaim loudly and often how you don't want any more kids. God likes a challenge and a good joke.
Posted by: Contrary | June 05, 2006 at 06:55 PM
We're at that impasse now and need to decide, like, YESTERDAY.
Adoption, surrogacy, give the 'ol uterus another terrifying whirl. We can't decide! And I'm already exhausted.
Now. Wasn't that helpful?
Posted by: Lena | June 05, 2006 at 07:42 PM
My husband wants another child but would be very content with just one. I had a very close call delivery and my husband fears I couldn't pull through a 2nd. My doctor says I would because we'd be prepared for the worst this time but it doesn't make my husband feel 100% okay.
I want to go for it. I trust my doctor.
Posted by: Emily | June 05, 2006 at 07:53 PM
What happened? We ended up divorced. Oops! Probably not the answer you wanted. (And in the interest of full disclosure, not just over this issue, of course. But the worst part of the divorce was NOT the day we separated or the day we finalized or anything else like that--it was the day I had to call our social worker to close our adoption file.)
Posted by: Mir | June 05, 2006 at 08:21 PM
Gee, I've only cried big fat alligator tears about this issue THREE TIMES this week. My husband wants to schedule a vasectomy since we just had our second and I'm totally not ready. I want another baby. We're stuck and unfortunately no one's budging. It's sad, too, because it's the first time in our marriage that we SERIOUSLY can't talk our way through a compromise. On this issue - someone has to win and someone has to lose. It sucks.
Posted by: Amanda | June 05, 2006 at 08:36 PM
I find the comments here so interesting, here and other places as people explore whether to have more children. Many times people explore/explain the concept that it is all "God's plan," or "It'll happen when it happens."
But what I understand, and fear, especially as I've been given so many black flags surrounding my fertility, is that when you have fertility challenges, whether it is your first or your third, the decision to have children is no longer just a vague, "It'll happen at the right time!" or "It's God's plan!" Because, well, there are so many hurdles and there needs to be a conscious choice, more so than most people have to consider.
I can't imagine the pain of going through all of the heartbreak, knowing it must be done again. The decision to have another child in the case of infertility is much, much deeper than just "My husband doesn't want another child," or "I'm not sure I can handle two."
Even if the deeper questions are answered, there are so many new ones that arise.
I think, truthfully, that it's a small part - the fear of that heartbreaking process - of why we haven't taken the plunge on 'trying' for #1. I'm just not ready to face it yet for the first time, much less a second, and I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who do.
Posted by: jonniker | June 05, 2006 at 08:52 PM
Hate to say it, but while I think it's important to talk for a long time, wait to see if opinions change, and seek counseling, ultimately the one who says "no more" wins. The stakes--of bringing a child into a resentful or angry home--are just too great.
I learned this the hard way, when my first marriage ended in divorce mostly because I wanted children and he didn't. But you know what? I'm really grateful to my former husband, now that I'm happily remarried and have had the good fortune to experience how much work it is to raise a child and see how new parenthood can strain even a good marriage. I can't imagine doing this with someone who isn't truly my partner.
Posted by: Heidi | June 05, 2006 at 09:39 PM
Here's how it worked for us. http://ethiopia.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/deciding-to-adopt-our-story
Mary, mom to 8
Posted by: owlhaven | June 05, 2006 at 09:57 PM
When our Okapis (boy/girl twins) were born, I think my wife felt cheated. She never got the enjoyable pregnancy (they were also born 10.5 weeks early and we had to leave the hospital with our arms empty), she never got the pleasure of holding one baby at a time because there was always the other one. She nursed both together. She really feels like she missed out on something. And she was made to be a mother - she's great at it and has enough love for 15 more children (at least).
I'm more hesitant. That first year kicked my ass and I don't want to go through that again. Life is pretty overwhelming with two, I can't imagine one more.
Of course, having had fraternal twins once, we are FIVE (5) times more likely to have twins again. What if we actually decide to go for one more and get two again?
Posted by: JGS | June 05, 2006 at 09:59 PM
I could not even think about baby #2 for about 21/2 years. Then there was a feeling of not being done, deep down in my gut. We hung out wiht that for another six months and then felt that if it was there that long, it was time. I had the fear that our only child who was so loved would evolve our marriage into an emotional threesome. I wanted it to be us and them. I wanted him to have another kid to have to deal with and not become spoiled (so easily at least). This wasn't the sole reason but I have to say it played a big part in our decision. After our wonderful second son was born , I didn't crave that feeling anymore, plus I was exhausted!
Posted by: siouxjoe | June 05, 2006 at 11:25 PM
Hubby and I had just decided that one child was enough for us when...SURPRISE!...we found out (on Mother's Day nonetheless) that I was pregnant with baby #2 despite the birth control pills I had been taking faithfully for years.
Then my husband and I decided that two children were very definitely enough for us. It took nearly 7 years before my husband finally got a vasectomy, but we are both very happy with the results. Now our daughter is soon-to-be 12 and our son is 9, and while I like to see other peoples' babies (like Noah!) I don't want anymore of my own.
Posted by: Ivie | June 05, 2006 at 11:41 PM
My DH and I have been battling this issue for 5 years now. Well, kind of. We both agree we want at least one more child of our own. Unfortunately, infertility is the only thing winning out.
Everyone proclaimed that once I had Bam-Bam, my body was just going to "kick in". Yeah, well, it just kind of did recently but not reliably. In fact, I had a d&c last Thursday after losing a fantastic embryo to a not-so-fantastic lining.
We're at the finanical impasse now. If it takes drugs again, there's no money for that. If I could count on my body to mature the eggs, I'd be a little more enthusiastic about it. Hell, I'd even prepare for another 4th degree episiotomy if I could just have ONE MORE HEALTHY BABY!
Posted by: Hero | June 06, 2006 at 01:44 AM
My husband wanted a vasectomy at just 21 years old after our son was born. I'm thinking he didn't want any more kids. His doctor told him to wait until he was 25 and by then, he had changed his mind.
But, really, it wouldn't have mattered... that was 9 years ago and I have yet to conceive that next child. My ute has other plans, obviously.
Posted by: Stephanie | June 06, 2006 at 04:28 AM