The Hardest Part

The Internet is a funny place. Sometimes it's ha-ha funny. Sometimes it's funny in that rip-your-heart-out-and-stomp-on-it-then-toss-it-in-the-Cuisinart sort of way.

Sometimes you go to check in on a blog you haven't visited in awhile, only to find out that the unthinkable has happened.

Sometimes you find out that the unthinkable is happening right now, and there's nothing to do but mourn together in the comments section.

CancerBaby was diagnosed with ovarian cancer while trying to conceive her first child. She beat it once, but it came back. It doesn't look like she'll beat it a second time. It doesn't look like she'll ever get to be a mother.

Caleb was born last October, just five days after my Noah. He was 13 weeks premature. He fought through so many things. He was so strong. He was so beautiful.

I never really "knew" CancerBaby or Baby Caleb. I don't "know" Caleb's mom. They probably had no idea that I read their blogs and followed their stories -- or that their words had the power to move me to laughter or to tears.

It bothers me that it's probably too late for me to let CancerBaby know that. I hope she can read the hundreds of comments pouring in and know that her words touched us. I hope she knows that this weird old Internet community does indeed have a heart, and that we're holding her close to it.

Elizabeth, Caleb's mom, is pregnant again. I am so happy for her. And I'm going to let her know that this time.

Edited to add: Epilogue.

Comments

[Jen14221]

I'm not supposed to sob at work.

[Johanna]

Crying at work sucks. I am crying for two people I never knew but I am touched by their stories. Thank you for bringing them to us.

[Megan]

I'm crying at work, too. Thank you for sharing their stories with us.

[wordnerd]

I was just introduced to Caleb's site several weeks ago. I cannot begin to imagine their pain right now. Thank you for bring this story to us. Who says the internet is not a powerful place? I'm crying for two people I never knew. But I'm also praying for their families. So that's good.

[Tara]

Like everyone else, I'm crying for people I don't know. But that's the magic of the Internet--after reading just a little of someone's story, you feel like you do know them, like they're your best friends, and you can't help but care deeply about what happens to them.

Thanks for sharing these with us today.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I've encountered a few moms that have lost children and I don't even know how they wake up in the morning - I know if my child died she'd take my heart with her - and while I know she would probably want me to hold onto it, I'm not sure if I'd be able to.

And seriously, f**k cancer. With all I have I say it LOUD (and I might just go over to your "other" place so I can say it without the asterisks.)

[sherry]

Some people just don't get the internet community at all and they would wonder why reading that - especially Caleb who died close to the age my baby is now - would have me sobbing hysterically. This community can suck but it can be so great too.

[Busy Mom]

Chalk me up for crying at work, too. Thank you for sharing these sites.

[Caleb's mom]

I had almost made it a full day without crying.

[Contrary]

Well, I can't get online at work, so I didn't have to worry about crying at work. Home is a different story.

[Brighton]

Sitting here with tears in my eyes, we do indeed have a big heart.

[callistawolf]

So sorry for everyone involved. :( Thanks for sharing this, Amy... it's sad but these stories need to be shared.

[jozet]

I was heartbroken to read the latest post on Cancer, Baby. I've been reading her for about a year, and she is truly one of the most brilliant writers.

I am awestruck and inspired by her eloquence with words, with her ability to balance pain and humor, joy and fear, frustration and hope; to write prose from the heart and from the head with a fluid ease that reads like poetry. She has made me laugh out loud and sit at my screen with tears running down my face.

And the tears…it’s not just about the cancer. It’s not just the horror of what she is living through.

Her gift is in her ability to pin down and illuminate the deep dark fears as well as the moments of being sublimely and gloriously awake and alive that we all feel in our own sorrow and happiness.

For me, this post in particular speaks not only of the personal experience of loss and life changes that come with cancer, but to all those life changes that blindside us, that knock us off our feet, that force upon us an identity and a path we had not planned on. It is the post that I read again and again to remind myself to be gentle with my words and actions; that I will never know just what hurt or sorrows another human being is carrying around with them.

http://cancerbaby.typepad.com/cancerbaby/2005/05/behind_the_eigh.html

Thank you for posting about these two women today. The Internet truly is an amazing thing.

[JustLinda]

I'm less than a year into this world of blogging, but I have found that it's a huge community of mostly-strangers and friends and everything inbetween that has one big huge collective HEART.

I didn't know these two, nor their blogs. But my heart goes out to them and to others, those who pour their own hearts out to the world. I hope it doing so, some of the pain is dispersed and carried on the shoulders of EVERYONE and that it makes it a bit easier for the owner of the pain to be able to call upon so many shoulders to help with their burdens....

I wish peace and strenth to these families and any others in pain right now...

[Ivie]

My prayers go out to both families. Thank you for sharing these stories with us, Amy.

[mdvelazquez]

My heart breaks for them. So very sad.

Maria

[Her Bad Mother]

I'm going to go let her know, too.

Thanks so much for sharing this. It's too easy to forget that virtual arms give warm hugs too.

[Tere]

I'm quickly learning that when you become a mom, you're instantly connected to all the other women out there who are navigating their own motherhood path - and their pain becomes your pain, their fears, yours, and their joys, too.

This is the part about motherhood that I really love and really hate at the same time.

[SilentlyHoping]

I hear you... I don't know them either, but I cried. Like a little baby. Right here at my desk. Its really hard to handle sometimes, and some people just cannot understand.

I feel like I KNOW you guys. My heart breaks for them.

[Kirsten]

Thanks for this. Kind of puts all of my piddly whining into perspective. And makes me want to sit and hold my little guy all afternoon.

[Brian]

I was feeling down tonight because I didn't have anything to write about for my blog.

After reading this post, I count that as a blessing.

[tara]

wow.....heartbreaking stories. i'm not a huge cryer, but those stories did me in. it makes me appreciate every single part of my precious little angel, from the adorable smiles all the way to the hour+ screaming bouts. thanks, i needed an attitude adjustment! these families will definitely be in my prayers today.

[dofus kamas]

those stories did me in. it makes me appreciate every single part of my precious little angel, from the adorable smiles all the way to the hour+ screaming bouts. thanks, i needed an attitude adjustment! t